One morning, I poured the apple juice into the specimen tube. The nurse held it up and said, ‘It’s a little cloudy.’ I took the tube from her and said, ‘Let me run it through again,’ and drank it. The nurse fainted.
ALAN KINGAnd humor has always been a weapon. You want to get even on somebody?
More Alan King Quotes
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We set no styles, no standards. We’re reflections. It’s a distorted mirror in the fun house.
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And humor has always been a weapon. You want to get even on somebody?
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The ability to absorb a book and make someone else’s words and story your own was exactly was I was doing on stage.
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That’s the great thing about New Year’s, you get to be a year older.
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Modesty is not one of my virtues.
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You do live longer with bran, but you spend the last fifteen years on the toilet.
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Now that’s better than sex, but only if the salami is thickly sliced.
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I was a high school throw-out.
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If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books.
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As life’s pleasures go, food is second only to sex. Except for salami and eggs.
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I won’t eat in a place that has suits of armor.
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When I first saw Richard Pryor perform, I told him, ‘You’re doing a Jewish act.’
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I didn’t know we were poor until I started giving interviews.
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There’s nobody to believe in anymore, nobody to trust.
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We get the worrywart, the hypochondriac, the money-grubbing miser, the intractable negotiator…
ALAN KING