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What we used to settle with common sense or a fist, we settle with hand sanitizer and lawyers.

Adam Carolla

I attempted to get into comedy. I started to do stand-up, but I wasn’t very good at it.
ADAM CAROLLA

Attempted Comedy Good Stand Up Very
You’re 28, why are you going to goth clubs? Do what I do, sit at home & wait to die. You don’t have to kill yourself, you’re just waiting.
ADAM CAROLLA

Club Due Kil Funny Home Humor Sit Wait Yourself
If in 1989 I said, ‘I have an idea: Bottle water and sell it. And charge more than a beer,’ they would have chased me around with a giant butterfly net. The same with paying to watch a television station.
ADAM CAROLLA

Beer Bottle Butterfly Chased Idea Sell Water
I give women two types of orgasms. Fake and none.
ADAM CAROLLA

Fake Funny Humor None Orgasm Two Type Women
When I am king, I will revise the sexual bases system so that getting to first base will include oral sex and sodomy!
ADAM CAROLLA

Base Funny Include Kind King Revise Sex Sexual Sexy
Asking someone in advance not judge you, is like asking someone in advance not to smell you.
ADAM CAROLLA

Advantage Ask Focus Asking Judging Smell Someone
You have the unenviable choice between being dropped off last or being dropped off first and having a bunch of losers who can’t afford cab fare and have no friends or loved ones with cars knowing exactly where you live.
ADAM CAROLLA

Afford Between Bunch Choice Dropped Last Loser Unenviable
You don’t cruise the Internet looking for your name and walk away with a good feeling. So, I never do it.
ADAM CAROLLA

Cruise Feeling Good Internet Name Walk
He doesn’t sound like a guy who’s done a onesome, let alone a threesome.
ADAM CAROLLA

Done Funny Guy Humor Onesome Threesome
My mom was on welfare and the occasional food stamp, but I have never participated in any of those governmental programs, even the ones that kind of work like education, scholarships and whatever, and I managed to do just fine.
ADAM CAROLLA

Government Kind Mom Occasional Participated Welfare
I like the freedom of podcasting. With podcasting you can really mess around with the form and the format. You can do as much time as you like without having to pause for commercials.
ADAM CAROLLA

Form Format Freedom Mess Podcasting
No, I had not read any other comedian’s book. Not that I don’t enjoy other comedians; I’m just not a reader.
ADAM CAROLLA

Book Comedian Comedy Enjoy Fun Read Reader
I’m a comedian, not a politician.
ADAM CAROLLA

Comedian Comedy Feeling Irony Joke Laugh Life Politician
It’s like the Fouth of July in my underpants.
ADAM CAROLLA

Fouth July Like Underpants
If you want to have a good life, you should focus on your family, on your business, on your dog, on your fun, and you’ll have a good life.
ADAM CAROLLA

Business Dog Family Focus Fun Good Life
When you do television, there’s more to do, and when you do new television, there’s a lot more to do, especially when you don’t have partner. I miss not having that person.
ADAM CAROLLA

Especially Lot Missing More Partner Television

What we used to settle with common sense or a fist, we settle with hand sanitizer and lawyers.

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What we used to settle with common sense or a fist, we settle with hand sanitizer and lawyers.

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Popular Authors

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