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What we used to settle with common sense or a fist, we settle with hand sanitizer and lawyers.

Adam Carolla

I like my parents but they are just not good parents. They are nice enough people. I’m not interested in hurting their feelings.
ADAM CAROLLA

Enough Good Hurt Hurting Interesting Nice Parent People
Whoever is for higher taxes, feel free to pay higher taxes.
ADAM CAROLLA

Feel Free Higher Pay Tax
Lets not focus on saving a nickel… lets focus on making a buck.
ADAM CAROLLA

Buc Focus Made Making Nickle Saving
We’re always going to want to see LeBron and Kobe go at it.
ADAM CAROLLA

Always Country Going Gone See Want
There’s no bigger atheist than me. Well, I take that back. I’m a cancer screening away from going agnostic and a biopsy away from full-fledged Christian.
ADAM CAROLLA

Agnostic Atheist Away Bigger Cancer Christian Screening Take
Those dads that go off to Florida and start a new life, I couldn’t imagine that: seeing my kid once every Christmas, every three years. If I’m gone for six days it feels like too much
ADAM CAROLLA

Christmas Country Dad Every Imagine Seeing Three Year
I’m a doofus from the Valley, a blue-collar guy.
ADAM CAROLLA

Blue Collar Doofus Guy Valley
I have no connection with Hollywood. I’m not interested. I don’t care.
ADAM CAROLLA

Care Connection Country Hollywood Protection
I’m just gonna tell her, “Be a staff writer for a sitcom. Because they’ll have to hire you, they can’t really fire you, and you don’t have to produce that much. It’ll be awesome.”
ADAM CAROLLA

Click Daughter Dude Funnier Gonna Mediocre Sense Staff Tell Writer
This is why the terrorists hate us. And it’s not the glitter and it’s not the pomp and circumstance.
ADAM CAROLLA

Circumstance Gay Glider Hate Pomp Star Terrorist
I spoke to my dad, and he said it took close to 90 dollars to raise me. But that was me and my sister, and my sister moved out when she was 16, so sometimes it can knock you up to triple digits to raise a kid.
ADAM CAROLLA

Dad Dollar Funny Humor Knowledge Raise Share Sister
Well, guys are better at mechanical stuff and women are better at emotional stuff.
ADAM CAROLLA

Better Emotional Guy Mechanical Stuff Women
No one is depressed when they’re being chased by a bear.
ADAM CAROLLA

Bear Chasing Depressed
Asking someone in advance not judge you, is like asking someone in advance not to smell you.
ADAM CAROLLA

Advantage Ask Focus Asking Judging Smell Someone
Chicks love dudes who are successful who happen to have money – do you know what I mean? Chicks are attracted to dudes that are doing their own thing.
ADAM CAROLLA

Attracted Chick Doing Happen Love Dude Money Successful
[Giving welfare to poor people] is the equivalent of the government sending [fat people] a jumbo bag of Bugles in the mail twice a month.
ADAM CAROLLA

Equivalent Fat Giving Government Morning Overwhelmed People Person Sending

What we used to settle with common sense or a fist, we settle with hand sanitizer and lawyers.

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What we used to settle with common sense or a fist, we settle with hand sanitizer and lawyers.

Related Topics

Popular Authors

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