I don’t like those men who claim that their wife is their best friend. . . . I think spouses should tolerate each other and occasionally have sex.
ADAM CAROLLAI’ve never not finished a masturbatory session or a pizza. Those are the two things I’ve never left behind.
More Adam Carolla Quotes
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I feel like I’m a time traveler from the future who has been sent back to be annoyed.
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The reason I hate publicists is because I think if we got rid of them everything would be on equal footing.
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I have no connection with Hollywood. I’m not interested. I don’t care.
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As I said in my last book, birds are mean. They’re the only pet that, when they escape, the owners are relieved. You can tell a species is evil by doing this simple math.
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Maybe I’m delusional but I’m usually funny. It’s not 100% but I have a pretty good batting average.
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I am not agnostic. I am atheist. I don’t think there is no God; I know there’s no God. I know there’s no God the same way I know many other laws in our universe.
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I’m not sexist, I’m just a realist.
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I have feelings that are to the right, and I have feelings that land on the left side of the aisle.
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I give women two types of orgasms. Fake and none.
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When you’re picking a basketball team, you’ll take the brother over the guy with the yarmulke. Why? Because you’re playing the odds.
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If you’ve driven over to the gay section of Los Angeles, it’s like a golf course… Real estate values go ‘boom!’
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I have a daughter who I love very much, I hire women, I’ve worked with women, I’ve never had an issue with women.
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I don’t have any ill will or ill thought towards anybody.
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When I’m in power, here’s how I’m gonna put the country back on its feet. I’m going to put sterilizing agents in the following products: Sunny Delight, Mountain Dew, and Thick-Crust Pizza. Only the ‘tardiest of the ‘tards like the thick crust.
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I don’t think I’ve ever seen pie advertised. That’s how you know it’s good. They advertise ice cream and other desserts.
ADAM CAROLLA