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No one is depressed when they’re being chased by a bear.

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Rich people don’t pay taxes? Of course they pay taxes – they pay tons in taxes. They pay for everyone else who doesn’t pay taxes.
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There are certain things women are better at than men.
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I get depressed at airports.
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If you’re a guy, you have absolutely no idea what’s going on at any time in the relationship, ever.
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Everyone keeps saying, “Oh my God, oh my God, how intimidating.” It’s like saying, “How could you date Jennifer Aniston after she’s been with Brad Pitt?” I don’t care.
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California is like the hot blond high school chick who’s been getting by on her looks, but now she’s 45 and falling apart.
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If Joy Behar or Sherri Shepherd was a dude, they’d be off TV. They’re not funny enough for dudes. What if Roseanne Barr was a dude? Think we’d know who she was?
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I had two thoughts about it. One was I could do that, and the next one was I’ll never get to do that.
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I’m a comedian, not a politician.
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If birds were the size of a T-Rex, the streets would be littered with human remains.
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And the mirror ball doesn’t care what color you are, and it doesn’t care how rich your parents are, and it doesn’t care what God you pray to
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You’re 28, why are you going to goth clubs? Do what I do, sit at home & wait to die. You don’t have to kill yourself, you’re just waiting.
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I think comedy has evolved like every art form, and people probably do less standing around and telling jokes, and more things that have to do with reality.
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Welfare is monetary methadone.
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All’s the government should do is keep the taxes and regulations at a manageable rate, keep a decent standing army and get out of the way.
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What we used to settle with common sense or a fist, we settle with hand sanitizer and lawyers.
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