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I don’t have any ill will or ill thought towards anybody.

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Screw guilt — I could have sex with 10 men and it wouldn’t bother me. I’m an atheist!
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So most people don’t have the courage to admit there’s no God and they know it. They feel it. They try to suppress it. And if you bring it up they get angry because it freaks them out.
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I had two thoughts about it. One was I could do that, and the next one was I’ll never get to do that.
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The reason why you know more funny dudes than funny chicks is that dudes are funnier than chicks.
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I’m like John Q. Public. I represent what every guy wants and needs.
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Life is just the time between crapping yourself.
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You shouldn’t be eating anything that takes six minutes to microwave.
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I like the freedom of podcasting. With podcasting you can really mess around with the form and the format. You can do as much time as you like without having to pause for commercials.
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I am not agnostic. I am atheist. I don’t think there is no God; I know there’s no God. I know there’s no God the same way I know many other laws in our universe.
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I don’t have anything against my mom, but my family has no emotional connection to each other.
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[Giving welfare to poor people] is the equivalent of the government sending [fat people] a jumbo bag of Bugles in the mail twice a month.
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What we used to settle with common sense or a fist, we settle with hand sanitizer and lawyers.
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If birds were the size of a T-Rex, the streets would be littered with human remains.
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Well, guys are better at mechanical stuff and women are better at emotional stuff.
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People who fail, excel at avoiding opportunity.
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Whoever is for higher taxes, feel free to pay higher taxes.
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