If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
MITCH HEDBERGIf carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
MITCH HEDBERGI don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
MITCH HEDBERGI think football is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
MITCH HEDBERGI want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy; refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does and add “er”.
MITCH HEDBERGI love my fed-ex guy cause he’s a drug dealer and he don’t even know it…and he’s always on time.
MITCH HEDBERGI like the public hot-tub at the hotels. I like when a guy is already in there, I say, “Hey, do you mind if I join you?” Then I go turn the heat up, and I add some carrots and onions.
MITCH HEDBERGI type a 101 words a minute. But it’s in my own language.
MITCH HEDBERGI want to ride in a cold air balloon. “This isn’t going anywhere!”
MITCH HEDBERGI don’t wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.
MITCH HEDBERGWhen it comes to racism, you hear people say, “I don’t care if people are white, black, purple or green.” Hold on, now, purple or green? Come on now, you gotta draw the line somewhere.
MITCH HEDBERGMagicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. “Tom’s gone!” “Is he a magician?” “No.” “Then let’s print up some flyers!”
MITCH HEDBERGI used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
MITCH HEDBERGIf I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower.
MITCH HEDBERGSometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I’m throwing a Frisbee.
MITCH HEDBERGEvery book is a children’s book if the kid can read!
MITCH HEDBERGHere’s a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.
MITCH HEDBERG