When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn’t get out, something is seriously wrong.
MITCH HEDBERGA friend said to me, “I think the weather is trippy.” I said, “No, man, it’s not the weather that’s trippy, perhaps it’s the way we perceive it.” And then I realized I just should have said, “Yeah.”
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?
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I love my fed-ex guy cause he’s a drug dealer and he don’t even know it…and he’s always on time.
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I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.
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You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don’t want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
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I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.
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I don’t wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.
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When it comes to racism, you hear people say, “I don’t care if people are white, black, purple or green.” Hold on, now, purple or green? Come on now, you gotta draw the line somewhere.
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I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
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I was walking down the street with my friend and he said ‘I hear music,’ as though there’s any other way to take it in. ‘You’re not special. That’s how I receive it too, I tried to taste it, but it did not work’.
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When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.
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An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs.
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I’m a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone’s life.
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A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
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I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, “Don’t worry, Dude. I won’t say anything.”
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When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.
MITCH HEDBERG






