I’ve never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, and I gave her a burrito.
MITCH HEDBERGA friend said to me, “I think the weather is trippy.” I said, “No, man, it’s not the weather that’s trippy, perhaps it’s the way we perceive it.” And then I realized I just should have said, “Yeah.”
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs.
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My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said ‘No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yeah.’
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Why are there no “during” pictures?
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My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don’t really know what’s happening down there. Who is the real hero?
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I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re goin’, and hook up with them later.
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Here’s a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.
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Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I’m throwing a Frisbee.
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I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, “I’ll just get a tan instead.”
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I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.
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I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, “Dude, you have to wait”.
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I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
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One time I stayed at a haunted motel. When I checked into my room, there was a sheet on the floor, and I thought it was a ghost that had passed out, so I kicked it.
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I’m a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone’s life.
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Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.
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Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
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The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.
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I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
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I like Kit-Kat, unless I’m with four or more people.
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When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn’t get out, something is seriously wrong.
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I don’t wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.
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If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower.
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When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.
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I was walking down the street with my friend and he said ‘I hear music,’ as though there’s any other way to take it in. ‘You’re not special. That’s how I receive it too, I tried to taste it, but it did not work’.
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You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.
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I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.
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I like cottage cheese. That’s why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not eat mobile home cheese in a tornado.
MITCH HEDBERG