Why are there no “during” pictures?
MITCH HEDBERGA friend said to me, “I think the weather is trippy.” I said, “No, man, it’s not the weather that’s trippy, perhaps it’s the way we perceive it.” And then I realized I just should have said, “Yeah.”
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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I know people who believe in ghosts but don’t believe in themselves.
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I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, “I’ll just get a tan instead.”
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I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
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If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
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Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience.
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My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
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An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs.
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An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
MITCH HEDBERG -
You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.
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I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.
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I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.
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My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said ‘No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yeah.’
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I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.
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You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don’t want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
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Dogs are forever in the push up postion.
MITCH HEDBERG