I’ve never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, and I gave her a burrito.
MITCH HEDBERGI was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, “I’ll just get a tan instead.”
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy; refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does and add “er”.
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If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.
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Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8?
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When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn’t get out, something is seriously wrong.
MITCH HEDBERG -
Why are there no “during” pictures?
MITCH HEDBERG -
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.
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I think football is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I was walking down the street with my friend and he said ‘I hear music,’ as though there’s any other way to take it in. ‘You’re not special. That’s how I receive it too, I tried to taste it, but it did not work’.
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Every picture of you is when you were younger.
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I like cottage cheese. That’s why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not eat mobile home cheese in a tornado.
MITCH HEDBERG -
If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, “I’ll just get a tan instead.”
MITCH HEDBERG -
I like the public hot-tub at the hotels. I like when a guy is already in there, I say, “Hey, do you mind if I join you?” Then I go turn the heat up, and I add some carrots and onions.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, “this is not a library!” “OK! I will talk louder, then!”
MITCH HEDBERG -
You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don’t want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I’d hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I don’t own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me, they just say ‘Mitch,’ and I say ‘what?’ and turn my head slightly.
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Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I’m a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone’s life.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
MITCH HEDBERG -
Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. “Tom’s gone!” “Is he a magician?” “No.” “Then let’s print up some flyers!”
MITCH HEDBERG -
I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You’ll be mad, but it will be too late.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
MITCH HEDBERG