When it comes to racism, you hear people say, “I don’t care if people are white, black, purple or green.” Hold on, now, purple or green? Come on now, you gotta draw the line somewhere.
MITCH HEDBERGChicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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I was walking down the street with my friend and he said ‘I hear music,’ as though there’s any other way to take it in. ‘You’re not special. That’s how I receive it too, I tried to taste it, but it did not work’.
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The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.
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I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, “Don’t worry, Dude. I won’t say anything.”
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I’ve never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, and I gave her a burrito.
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I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
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You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don’t want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
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I thought my teeth were white until I washed my face with Noxzema. My teeth are off-white. I’m not even white. I’m off-white. It’s a new race; we will prevail!
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If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.
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I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.
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If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
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One time I stayed at a haunted motel. When I checked into my room, there was a sheet on the floor, and I thought it was a ghost that had passed out, so I kicked it.
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I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
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When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.
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When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.
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An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs.
MITCH HEDBERG