I was walking down the street with my friend and he said ‘I hear music,’ as though there’s any other way to take it in. ‘You’re not special. That’s how I receive it too, I tried to taste it, but it did not work’.
MITCH HEDBERGChicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.
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I thought my teeth were white until I washed my face with Noxzema. My teeth are off-white. I’m not even white. I’m off-white. It’s a new race; we will prevail!
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When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.
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I type a 101 words a minute. But it’s in my own language.
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If you can’t sleep, count sheep. Don’t count endangered animals. You will run out.
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When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn’t get out, something is seriously wrong.
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I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.
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Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8?
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Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. “Tom’s gone!” “Is he a magician?” “No.” “Then let’s print up some flyers!”
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I’ve never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, and I gave her a burrito.
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I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff.
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The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.
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I like the public hot-tub at the hotels. I like when a guy is already in there, I say, “Hey, do you mind if I join you?” Then I go turn the heat up, and I add some carrots and onions.
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I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
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I’m a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone’s life.
MITCH HEDBERG