I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.
MITCH HEDBERGI’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.
MITCH HEDBERGI like cottage cheese. That’s why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not eat mobile home cheese in a tornado.
MITCH HEDBERGI wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.
MITCH HEDBERGWearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
MITCH HEDBERGI find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
MITCH HEDBERGIf I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower.
MITCH HEDBERGI wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first, I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.
MITCH HEDBERGI want to ride in a cold air balloon. “This isn’t going anywhere!”
MITCH HEDBERGI want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You’ll be mad, but it will be too late.
MITCH HEDBERGI got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.
MITCH HEDBERGI think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.
MITCH HEDBERGMy friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said ‘No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yeah.’
MITCH HEDBERGIf 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.
MITCH HEDBERGI’d hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat.
MITCH HEDBERGWhen you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn’t get out, something is seriously wrong.
MITCH HEDBERGI would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
MITCH HEDBERG