Here’s a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.
MITCH HEDBERGMy friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said ‘No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yeah.’
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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I’d hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat.
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I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
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I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.
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I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, “I’ll just get a tan instead.”
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Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
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I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
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Every picture of you is when you were younger.
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I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff.
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If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower.
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Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8?
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I want to ride in a cold air balloon. “This isn’t going anywhere!”
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On a traffic light green means ‘go’ and yellow means ‘yield’, but on a banana it’s just the opposite. Green means ‘hold on,’ yellow means ‘go ahead,’ and red means, ‘where the hell did you get that banana at?’
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One time I stayed at a haunted motel. When I checked into my room, there was a sheet on the floor, and I thought it was a ghost that had passed out, so I kicked it.
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Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I’m throwing a Frisbee.
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Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read!
MITCH HEDBERG






