I’ve never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, and I gave her a burrito.
MITCH HEDBERGMy friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said ‘No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yeah.’
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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One time I stayed at a haunted motel. When I checked into my room, there was a sheet on the floor, and I thought it was a ghost that had passed out, so I kicked it.
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My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said ‘No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yeah.’
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When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn’t get out, something is seriously wrong.
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I don’t wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.
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Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
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I love my fed-ex guy cause he’s a drug dealer and he don’t even know it…and he’s always on time.
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My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don’t really know what’s happening down there. Who is the real hero?
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I like Kit-Kat, unless I’m with four or more people.
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Why are there no “during” pictures?
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I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
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You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.
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When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.
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I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.
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I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
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I know people who believe in ghosts but don’t believe in themselves.
MITCH HEDBERG