I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, “this is not a library!” “OK! I will talk louder, then!”
MITCH HEDBERGMy friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said ‘No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yeah.’
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, “Don’t worry, Dude. I won’t say anything.”
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I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.
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Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read!
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I think football is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
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Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?
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I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
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My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don’t really know what’s happening down there. Who is the real hero?
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An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs.
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I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first, I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.
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When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn’t get out, something is seriously wrong.
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I like the public hot-tub at the hotels. I like when a guy is already in there, I say, “Hey, do you mind if I join you?” Then I go turn the heat up, and I add some carrots and onions.
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Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
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I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You’ll be mad, but it will be too late.
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I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy; refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does and add “er”.
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Dogs are forever in the push up postion.
MITCH HEDBERG