“My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said ‘No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yeah.’”

I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy; refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does and add “er”.

Dogs are forever in the push up postion.

Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. “Tom’s gone!” “Is he a magician?” “No.” “Then let’s print up some flyers!”

On a traffic light green means ‘go’ and yellow means ‘yield’, but on a banana it’s just the opposite. Green means ‘hold on,’ yellow means ‘go ahead,’ and red means, ‘where the hell did you get that banana at?’

I think football is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.

Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read!

My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don’t really know what’s happening down there. Who is the real hero?

I like the public hot-tub at the hotels. I like when a guy is already in there, I say, “Hey, do you mind if I join you?” Then I go turn the heat up, and I add some carrots and onions.

If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.

I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re goin’, and hook up with them later.

When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn’t get out, something is seriously wrong.

I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.

I’m a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone’s life.

I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.

I type a 101 words a minute. But it’s in my own language.

I saw a cavalry captain buy vegetable soup on horseback. He carried the whole mess home in his helmet.

I would treat her like an egg, the shell of which we remove before eating it; I would take off her mask and then kiss her pretty face.

Gluttony? I could eat and eat and eat and eat and eat. I’d love to pig out on gluten. I mean, I’m allergic to gluten, but I really want to do that. I want to sit in bed one day and just pig out.

If you have two loaves of bread, keep one to nourish the body, but sell the other to buy hyacinths for the soul.

Some men like a dull life – they like the routine of eating breakfast, going to work, coming home, petting the dog, watching TV, kissing the kids, and going to bed. Stay clear of it – it’s often catching.

Focusing on food and exercise changed my life.

There is no single face in nature, because every eye that looks upon it, sees it from its own angle. So every man’s spice-box seasons his own food.

Deep down, most adults hate people who go against the grain.