Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. “Tom’s gone!” “Is he a magician?” “No.” “Then let’s print up some flyers!”
MITCH HEDBERGIf I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.
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A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
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If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.
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I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, “I’ll just get a tan instead.”
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I want to ride in a cold air balloon. “This isn’t going anywhere!”
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You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.
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I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff.
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On a traffic light green means ‘go’ and yellow means ‘yield’, but on a banana it’s just the opposite. Green means ‘hold on,’ yellow means ‘go ahead,’ and red means, ‘where the hell did you get that banana at?’
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I was walking down the street with my friend and he said ‘I hear music,’ as though there’s any other way to take it in. ‘You’re not special. That’s how I receive it too, I tried to taste it, but it did not work’.
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I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
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Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8?
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I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first, I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.
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I like the public hot-tub at the hotels. I like when a guy is already in there, I say, “Hey, do you mind if I join you?” Then I go turn the heat up, and I add some carrots and onions.
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I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.
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A friend said to me, “I think the weather is trippy.” I said, “No, man, it’s not the weather that’s trippy, perhaps it’s the way we perceive it.” And then I realized I just should have said, “Yeah.”
MITCH HEDBERG