A friend said to me, “I think the weather is trippy.” I said, “No, man, it’s not the weather that’s trippy, perhaps it’s the way we perceive it.” And then I realized I just should have said, “Yeah.”
MITCH HEDBERGIf I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.
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If you can’t sleep, count sheep. Don’t count endangered animals. You will run out.
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When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn’t get out, something is seriously wrong.
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I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
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If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first, I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.
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I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, “Don’t worry, Dude. I won’t say anything.”
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When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.
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Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. “Tom’s gone!” “Is he a magician?” “No.” “Then let’s print up some flyers!”
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If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.
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I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.
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You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don’t want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
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I know people who believe in ghosts but don’t believe in themselves.
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I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff.
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I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.
MITCH HEDBERG