I don’t wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.
MITCH HEDBERGOn a traffic light green means ‘go’ and yellow means ‘yield’, but on a banana it’s just the opposite. Green means ‘hold on,’ yellow means ‘go ahead,’ and red means, ‘where the hell did you get that banana at?’
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
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I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.
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I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
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I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
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An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
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Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
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I was walking down the street with my friend and he said ‘I hear music,’ as though there’s any other way to take it in. ‘You’re not special. That’s how I receive it too, I tried to taste it, but it did not work’.
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I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
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Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8?
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I know people who believe in ghosts but don’t believe in themselves.
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I type a 101 words a minute. But it’s in my own language.
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You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.
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I’m a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone’s life.
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I like cottage cheese. That’s why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not eat mobile home cheese in a tornado.
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I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
MITCH HEDBERG