You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.
MITCH HEDBERGOn a traffic light green means ‘go’ and yellow means ‘yield’, but on a banana it’s just the opposite. Green means ‘hold on,’ yellow means ‘go ahead,’ and red means, ‘where the hell did you get that banana at?’
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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I love my fed-ex guy cause he’s a drug dealer and he don’t even know it…and he’s always on time.
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I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
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Pepperidge Farm bread. That’s fancy bread. You can tell it’s fancy because it’s wrapped twice. You open it, and it still isn’t open. That’s why I don’t buy it. I don’t need another step between me and toast.
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I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
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If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
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I like cottage cheese. That’s why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not eat mobile home cheese in a tornado.
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I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.
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I’ve never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, and I gave her a burrito.
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My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don’t really know what’s happening down there. Who is the real hero?
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Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read!
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An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs.
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I want to ride in a cold air balloon. “This isn’t going anywhere!”
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I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.
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I like Kit-Kat, unless I’m with four or more people.
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I was walking down the street with my friend and he said ‘I hear music,’ as though there’s any other way to take it in. ‘You’re not special. That’s how I receive it too, I tried to taste it, but it did not work’.
MITCH HEDBERG






