A friend said to me, “I think the weather is trippy.” I said, “No, man, it’s not the weather that’s trippy, perhaps it’s the way we perceive it.” And then I realized I just should have said, “Yeah.”
MITCH HEDBERGI think football is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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I’d hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat.
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Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
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Here’s a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.
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I thought my teeth were white until I washed my face with Noxzema. My teeth are off-white. I’m not even white. I’m off-white. It’s a new race; we will prevail!
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I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
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Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. “Tom’s gone!” “Is he a magician?” “No.” “Then let’s print up some flyers!”
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If you can’t sleep, count sheep. Don’t count endangered animals. You will run out.
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A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
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Every picture of you is when you were younger.
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Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?
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I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
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I know people who believe in ghosts but don’t believe in themselves.
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I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re goin’, and hook up with them later.
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An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
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I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You’ll be mad, but it will be too late.
MITCH HEDBERG