When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn’t get out, something is seriously wrong.
MITCH HEDBERGI think football is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience.
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When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.
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I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first, I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.
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I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.
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Pepperidge Farm bread. That’s fancy bread. You can tell it’s fancy because it’s wrapped twice. You open it, and it still isn’t open. That’s why I don’t buy it. I don’t need another step between me and toast.
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I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
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I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.
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I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.
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My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don’t really know what’s happening down there. Who is the real hero?
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I don’t wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.
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I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.
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My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said ‘No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yeah.’
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Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
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I think football is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
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A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
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I thought my teeth were white until I washed my face with Noxzema. My teeth are off-white. I’m not even white. I’m off-white. It’s a new race; we will prevail!
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Dogs are forever in the push up postion.
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I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
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Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.
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I like Kit-Kat, unless I’m with four or more people.
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I like the public hot-tub at the hotels. I like when a guy is already in there, I say, “Hey, do you mind if I join you?” Then I go turn the heat up, and I add some carrots and onions.
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I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You’ll be mad, but it will be too late.
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I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re goin’, and hook up with them later.
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I want to ride in a cold air balloon. “This isn’t going anywhere!”
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I hate dreaming because when you want to sleep, you want to sleep. Dreaming is work. Next thing you know, I have to build a go-cart with my ex-landlord.
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My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
MITCH HEDBERG