When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.
MITCH HEDBERGPepperidge Farm bread. That’s fancy bread. You can tell it’s fancy because it’s wrapped twice. You open it, and it still isn’t open. That’s why I don’t buy it. I don’t need another step between me and toast.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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I type a 101 words a minute. But it’s in my own language.
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I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.
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I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.
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My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said ‘No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yeah.’
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I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
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If you can’t sleep, count sheep. Don’t count endangered animals. You will run out.
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I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re goin’, and hook up with them later.
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I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff.
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Dogs are forever in the push up postion.
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If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
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I know people who believe in ghosts but don’t believe in themselves.
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I hate dreaming because when you want to sleep, you want to sleep. Dreaming is work. Next thing you know, I have to build a go-cart with my ex-landlord.
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Here’s a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.
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I don’t wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.
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One time I stayed at a haunted motel. When I checked into my room, there was a sheet on the floor, and I thought it was a ghost that had passed out, so I kicked it.
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An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs.
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A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
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I’ve never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, and I gave her a burrito.
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I like cottage cheese. That’s why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not eat mobile home cheese in a tornado.
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Pepperidge Farm bread. That’s fancy bread. You can tell it’s fancy because it’s wrapped twice. You open it, and it still isn’t open. That’s why I don’t buy it. I don’t need another step between me and toast.
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I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, “Dude, you have to wait”.
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An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
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I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
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The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.
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Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. “Tom’s gone!” “Is he a magician?” “No.” “Then let’s print up some flyers!”
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Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I’m throwing a Frisbee.
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