Pepperidge Farm bread. That’s fancy bread. You can tell it’s fancy because it’s wrapped twice. You open it, and it still isn’t open. That’s why I don’t buy it. I don’t need another step between me and toast.
MITCH HEDBERGYou should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
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I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
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Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience.
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I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first, I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.
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I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.
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My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
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I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.
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When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.
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I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy; refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does and add “er”.
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Dogs are forever in the push up postion.
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My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don’t really know what’s happening down there. Who is the real hero?
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I like the public hot-tub at the hotels. I like when a guy is already in there, I say, “Hey, do you mind if I join you?” Then I go turn the heat up, and I add some carrots and onions.
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I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff.
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A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
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If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower.
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I don’t wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.
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I want to ride in a cold air balloon. “This isn’t going anywhere!”
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One time I stayed at a haunted motel. When I checked into my room, there was a sheet on the floor, and I thought it was a ghost that had passed out, so I kicked it.
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I’ve never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, and I gave her a burrito.
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If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
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You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don’t want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
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When it comes to racism, you hear people say, “I don’t care if people are white, black, purple or green.” Hold on, now, purple or green? Come on now, you gotta draw the line somewhere.
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A friend said to me, “I think the weather is trippy.” I said, “No, man, it’s not the weather that’s trippy, perhaps it’s the way we perceive it.” And then I realized I just should have said, “Yeah.”
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I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, “Dude, you have to wait”.
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If you can’t sleep, count sheep. Don’t count endangered animals. You will run out.
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The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.
MITCH HEDBERG