When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.
MITCH HEDBERGAn escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.
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I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.
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An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
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When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn’t get out, something is seriously wrong.
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I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy; refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does and add “er”.
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Why are there no “during” pictures?
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I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, “I’ll just get a tan instead.”
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The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.
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I type a 101 words a minute. But it’s in my own language.
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I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.
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If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.
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When it comes to racism, you hear people say, “I don’t care if people are white, black, purple or green.” Hold on, now, purple or green? Come on now, you gotta draw the line somewhere.
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I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
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Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8?
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I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.
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Here’s a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.
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Every picture of you is when you were younger.
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I’m a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone’s life.
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I was walking down the street with my friend and he said ‘I hear music,’ as though there’s any other way to take it in. ‘You’re not special. That’s how I receive it too, I tried to taste it, but it did not work’.
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I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
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If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
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I’d hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat.
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When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.
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My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
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A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
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I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
MITCH HEDBERG