I don’t own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me, they just say ‘Mitch,’ and I say ‘what?’ and turn my head slightly.
MITCH HEDBERGWearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.
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I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, “this is not a library!” “OK! I will talk louder, then!”
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One time I stayed at a haunted motel. When I checked into my room, there was a sheet on the floor, and I thought it was a ghost that had passed out, so I kicked it.
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Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. “Tom’s gone!” “Is he a magician?” “No.” “Then let’s print up some flyers!”
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I like cottage cheese. That’s why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not eat mobile home cheese in a tornado.
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I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.
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I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.
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Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience.
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I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.
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I was walking down the street with my friend and he said ‘I hear music,’ as though there’s any other way to take it in. ‘You’re not special. That’s how I receive it too, I tried to taste it, but it did not work’.
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I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.
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I think football is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
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Pepperidge Farm bread. That’s fancy bread. You can tell it’s fancy because it’s wrapped twice. You open it, and it still isn’t open. That’s why I don’t buy it. I don’t need another step between me and toast.
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I’d hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat.
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I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
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I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, “Dude, you have to wait”.
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When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn’t get out, something is seriously wrong.
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I know people who believe in ghosts but don’t believe in themselves.
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If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
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I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first, I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.
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I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
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I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You’ll be mad, but it will be too late.
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If you can’t sleep, count sheep. Don’t count endangered animals. You will run out.
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When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.
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I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
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I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
MITCH HEDBERG