“Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.”

I thought my teeth were white until I washed my face with Noxzema. My teeth are off-white. I’m not even white. I’m off-white. It’s a new race; we will prevail!

Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience.

I like Kit-Kat, unless I’m with four or more people.

I don’t wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.

Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8?

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said ‘No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yeah.’

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.

I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower.

I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy; refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does and add “er”.

Dogs are forever in the push up postion.

Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. “Tom’s gone!” “Is he a magician?” “No.” “Then let’s print up some flyers!”

On a traffic light green means ‘go’ and yellow means ‘yield’, but on a banana it’s just the opposite. Green means ‘hold on,’ yellow means ‘go ahead,’ and red means, ‘where the hell did you get that banana at?’

I think football is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.

Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read!

Sugar free? With the name Sugarpova I don’t think I will be doing anything sugar free very soon.

I want you to buy this pit bull. This will protect your valuables.’ I don’t own anything very valuable. If I buy the pit bull, that would be the most valuable thing I own. I’d have to buy something to protect it then.

The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, ‘Where the hell is my roof?

It’s funny – sometimes the strongest individuals feel the worst when events are out of their control, and they can’t really be there for the people they love. I’ve felt it myself.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.

I thought I’d begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine.

I can’t be naturalistic enough to make it sound real. So instead, I just wander around aimlessly knowing that I’ll be funny enough with stream of consciousness until I get to the actual explosively funny part.

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?