I was walking down the street with my friend and he said ‘I hear music,’ as though there’s any other way to take it in. ‘You’re not special. That’s how I receive it too, I tried to taste it, but it did not work’.
MITCH HEDBERGI hate dreaming because when you want to sleep, you want to sleep. Dreaming is work. Next thing you know, I have to build a go-cart with my ex-landlord.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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A friend said to me, “I think the weather is trippy.” I said, “No, man, it’s not the weather that’s trippy, perhaps it’s the way we perceive it.” And then I realized I just should have said, “Yeah.”
MITCH HEDBERG -
My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said ‘No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yeah.’
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Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?
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I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.
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I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, “I’ll just get a tan instead.”
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I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.
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If you can’t sleep, count sheep. Don’t count endangered animals. You will run out.
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I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, “this is not a library!” “OK! I will talk louder, then!”
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I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
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I like Kit-Kat, unless I’m with four or more people.
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My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don’t really know what’s happening down there. Who is the real hero?
MITCH HEDBERG -
I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
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I want to ride in a cold air balloon. “This isn’t going anywhere!”
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You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.
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An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You’ll be mad, but it will be too late.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I’m a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone’s life.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.
MITCH HEDBERG -
Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
MITCH HEDBERG -
A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
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When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn’t get out, something is seriously wrong.
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Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. “Tom’s gone!” “Is he a magician?” “No.” “Then let’s print up some flyers!”
MITCH HEDBERG -
When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.
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Every picture of you is when you were younger.
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I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
MITCH HEDBERG