“I hate dreaming because when you want to sleep, you want to sleep. Dreaming is work. Next thing you know, I have to build a go-cart with my ex-landlord.”

I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.

I type a 101 words a minute. But it’s in my own language.

I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff.

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs.

Pepperidge Farm bread. That’s fancy bread. You can tell it’s fancy because it’s wrapped twice. You open it, and it still isn’t open. That’s why I don’t buy it. I don’t need another step between me and toast.

I love my fed-ex guy cause he’s a drug dealer and he don’t even know it…and he’s always on time.

You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.

I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.

I don’t own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me, they just say ‘Mitch,’ and I say ‘what?’ and turn my head slightly.

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.

You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don’t want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.

I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first, I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.

I’ve never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, and I gave her a burrito.

Here’s a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.

One time I stayed at a haunted motel. When I checked into my room, there was a sheet on the floor, and I thought it was a ghost that had passed out, so I kicked it.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

You were a lovely dream to me but you see, my dreams were never mine to catch up on. – Circumstances.

No one understands and appreciates the American Dream of hard work leading to material rewards better than a non-American.

Treat her like a dream. Follow her, pursue her, and always remind her that you’ll never give up on her.

A girl with stars in her eyes and dreams in her heart.

Let me pour onto your glass and let it overflow with abundant love; for your eyes tell me they need refilling, But all you have now is an empty bottle of escaped homes and dreams.

I couldn’t dream of loving you anymore than I already do, Yet every day I wake up so much more in love with you.

Dreams may be forgotten but the beauty and the remnants of emotion felt will always remain remarkable.

what the sky is to a bird is like a dream for a dreamer.