If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.
MITCH HEDBERGWhen I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.
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When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.
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Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
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I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.
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I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff.
MITCH HEDBERG -
If you can’t sleep, count sheep. Don’t count endangered animals. You will run out.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I like the public hot-tub at the hotels. I like when a guy is already in there, I say, “Hey, do you mind if I join you?” Then I go turn the heat up, and I add some carrots and onions.
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I’ve never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, and I gave her a burrito.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I’m a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone’s life.
MITCH HEDBERG -
A friend said to me, “I think the weather is trippy.” I said, “No, man, it’s not the weather that’s trippy, perhaps it’s the way we perceive it.” And then I realized I just should have said, “Yeah.”
MITCH HEDBERG -
I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy; refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does and add “er”.
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Dogs are forever in the push up postion.
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My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don’t really know what’s happening down there. Who is the real hero?
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You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.
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I don’t wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.
MITCH HEDBERG