“When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.”

My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don’t really know what’s happening down there. Who is the real hero?

I like the public hot-tub at the hotels. I like when a guy is already in there, I say, “Hey, do you mind if I join you?” Then I go turn the heat up, and I add some carrots and onions.

If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.

I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re goin’, and hook up with them later.

When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn’t get out, something is seriously wrong.

I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.

I’m a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone’s life.

I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.

I type a 101 words a minute. But it’s in my own language.

I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff.

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs.

Pepperidge Farm bread. That’s fancy bread. You can tell it’s fancy because it’s wrapped twice. You open it, and it still isn’t open. That’s why I don’t buy it. I don’t need another step between me and toast.

I love my fed-ex guy cause he’s a drug dealer and he don’t even know it…and he’s always on time.

You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.

I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.

We are your brothers, your daughters, your friends. We just happened to have been wrapped in a smaller package.

Nothing can stop me from loving my brother.

To lose a brother is to lose someone with whom you can share the experience of growing old, who is supposed to bring you a sister-in-law and nieces and nephews, creatures who people the tree of your life and give it new branches.

A mate of mine has just told me he’s shagging his girlfriend and her twin, I said how can you tell them apart, he said “her brothers got a moustache!”

We did a two month tour with Taj Mahal that was really healing and cathartic and a good distraction after my brother passed away. Then I knew I wanted to take a year off, and it was really nice to have that chance to fall apart.

My brother says I’m too famous to hang around with him.

For many years, our Messianic Jewish brothers and sisters have paid a great price. Other Jews have rejected them, and the Christian church would require they walk away from their traditions to fit into the Gentile culture. We must face these past wrongs.

Duane Allman inspired the group to explore the extended jam format that was already a staple of the Allman Brothers act.