I type a 101 words a minute. But it’s in my own language.
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When it comes to racism, you hear people say, “I don’t care if people are white, black, purple or green.” Hold on, now, purple or green? Come on now, you gotta draw the line somewhere.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.
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I think football is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
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I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
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If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower.
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I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.
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I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first, I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.
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My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said ‘No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yeah.’
MITCH HEDBERG -
I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I’m a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone’s life.
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Dogs are forever in the push up postion.
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I hate dreaming because when you want to sleep, you want to sleep. Dreaming is work. Next thing you know, I have to build a go-cart with my ex-landlord.
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Why are there no “during” pictures?
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I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
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I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.
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I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
MITCH HEDBERG






