I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.
MITCH HEDBERGI wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.
MITCH HEDBERGI used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
MITCH HEDBERGPepperidge Farm bread. That’s fancy bread. You can tell it’s fancy because it’s wrapped twice. You open it, and it still isn’t open. That’s why I don’t buy it. I don’t need another step between me and toast.
MITCH HEDBERGI find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
MITCH HEDBERGA waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
MITCH HEDBERGI’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.
MITCH HEDBERGI’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re goin’, and hook up with them later.
MITCH HEDBERGI don’t wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.
MITCH HEDBERGI’ve never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, and I gave her a burrito.
MITCH HEDBERGI like cottage cheese. That’s why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not eat mobile home cheese in a tornado.
MITCH HEDBERGMy belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don’t really know what’s happening down there. Who is the real hero?
MITCH HEDBERGI like the public hot-tub at the hotels. I like when a guy is already in there, I say, “Hey, do you mind if I join you?” Then I go turn the heat up, and I add some carrots and onions.
MITCH HEDBERGThe depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.
MITCH HEDBERGI haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
MITCH HEDBERGI love my fed-ex guy cause he’s a drug dealer and he don’t even know it…and he’s always on time.
MITCH HEDBERGEvery book is a children’s book if the kid can read!
MITCH HEDBERG