I type a 101 words a minute. But it’s in my own language.
MITCH HEDBERGWhen it comes to racism, you hear people say, “I don’t care if people are white, black, purple or green.” Hold on, now, purple or green? Come on now, you gotta draw the line somewhere.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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I’ve never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, and I gave her a burrito.
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Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8?
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I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, “Dude, you have to wait”.
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A friend said to me, “I think the weather is trippy.” I said, “No, man, it’s not the weather that’s trippy, perhaps it’s the way we perceive it.” And then I realized I just should have said, “Yeah.”
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I hate dreaming because when you want to sleep, you want to sleep. Dreaming is work. Next thing you know, I have to build a go-cart with my ex-landlord.
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I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.
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The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.
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An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
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Why are there no “during” pictures?
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My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don’t really know what’s happening down there. Who is the real hero?
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I like Kit-Kat, unless I’m with four or more people.
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I know people who believe in ghosts but don’t believe in themselves.
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I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re goin’, and hook up with them later.
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If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.
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My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
MITCH HEDBERG






