I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
MITCH HEDBERGWhen it comes to racism, you hear people say, “I don’t care if people are white, black, purple or green.” Hold on, now, purple or green? Come on now, you gotta draw the line somewhere.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
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Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?
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A friend said to me, “I think the weather is trippy.” I said, “No, man, it’s not the weather that’s trippy, perhaps it’s the way we perceive it.” And then I realized I just should have said, “Yeah.”
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You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don’t want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
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I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff.
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If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.
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I think football is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
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I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.
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I like cottage cheese. That’s why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not eat mobile home cheese in a tornado.
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If you can’t sleep, count sheep. Don’t count endangered animals. You will run out.
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Why are there no “during” pictures?
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I’m a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone’s life.
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Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
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I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, “I’ll just get a tan instead.”
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I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.
MITCH HEDBERG