I don’t wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.
MITCH HEDBERGWhen it comes to racism, you hear people say, “I don’t care if people are white, black, purple or green.” Hold on, now, purple or green? Come on now, you gotta draw the line somewhere.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs.
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Every picture of you is when you were younger.
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I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff.
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I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.
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I want to ride in a cold air balloon. “This isn’t going anywhere!”
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I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, “this is not a library!” “OK! I will talk louder, then!”
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I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re goin’, and hook up with them later.
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I like Kit-Kat, unless I’m with four or more people.
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If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.
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The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.
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A friend said to me, “I think the weather is trippy.” I said, “No, man, it’s not the weather that’s trippy, perhaps it’s the way we perceive it.” And then I realized I just should have said, “Yeah.”
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When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.
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My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said ‘No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yeah.’
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I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
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I type a 101 words a minute. But it’s in my own language.
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Dogs are forever in the push up postion.
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I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.
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I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
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Here’s a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.
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I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy; refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does and add “er”.
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When it comes to racism, you hear people say, “I don’t care if people are white, black, purple or green.” Hold on, now, purple or green? Come on now, you gotta draw the line somewhere.
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Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read!
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You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.
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I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, “Don’t worry, Dude. I won’t say anything.”
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I like the public hot-tub at the hotels. I like when a guy is already in there, I say, “Hey, do you mind if I join you?” Then I go turn the heat up, and I add some carrots and onions.
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I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.
MITCH HEDBERG