I think football is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
MITCH HEDBERGI find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy; refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does and add “er”.
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Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience.
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I don’t own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me, they just say ‘Mitch,’ and I say ‘what?’ and turn my head slightly.
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If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower.
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Why are there no “during” pictures?
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I hate dreaming because when you want to sleep, you want to sleep. Dreaming is work. Next thing you know, I have to build a go-cart with my ex-landlord.
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Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I’m throwing a Frisbee.
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When it comes to racism, you hear people say, “I don’t care if people are white, black, purple or green.” Hold on, now, purple or green? Come on now, you gotta draw the line somewhere.
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I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.
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If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.
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I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, “this is not a library!” “OK! I will talk louder, then!”
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I thought my teeth were white until I washed my face with Noxzema. My teeth are off-white. I’m not even white. I’m off-white. It’s a new race; we will prevail!
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You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.
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My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don’t really know what’s happening down there. Who is the real hero?
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I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
MITCH HEDBERG