When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.
MITCH HEDBERGI find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
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Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
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Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
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My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said ‘No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yeah.’
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If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower.
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I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
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Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read!
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Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.
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Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I’m throwing a Frisbee.
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The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.
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I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy; refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does and add “er”.
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My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don’t really know what’s happening down there. Who is the real hero?
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I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.
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If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.
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Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8?
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Dogs are forever in the push up postion.
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I don’t own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me, they just say ‘Mitch,’ and I say ‘what?’ and turn my head slightly.
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I want to ride in a cold air balloon. “This isn’t going anywhere!”
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I know people who believe in ghosts but don’t believe in themselves.
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I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You’ll be mad, but it will be too late.
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I was walking down the street with my friend and he said ‘I hear music,’ as though there’s any other way to take it in. ‘You’re not special. That’s how I receive it too, I tried to taste it, but it did not work’.
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I like Kit-Kat, unless I’m with four or more people.
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Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. “Tom’s gone!” “Is he a magician?” “No.” “Then let’s print up some flyers!”
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Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience.
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Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?
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An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs.
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