Alcoholic: anybody who drinks more than I do.
W. C. FIELDSSex isn’t necessary. You don’t die without it, but you can die having it.
More W. C. Fields Quotes
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The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.
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Few things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got engaged to his fiancee.
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I never voted for anybody. I always voted against.
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Don’t worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.
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I’m looking for loopholes. (Said when caught reading the Bible.
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Wouldn’t it be terrible if I quoted some reliable statistics which prove that more people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol.
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I used to be indecisive, now I’m not so sure.
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Sex isn’t necessary. You don’t die without it, but you can die having it.
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When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other.
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Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.
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When you wake up in the morning, smile – and get it over with.
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There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.
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I have spent a lot of time searching through the Bible for loopholes.
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A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
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Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There’s nothing like having a midget for a butler.
W. C. FIELDS






