“Comedy is a serious business. A serious business with only one purpose -to make people laugh.”

Few things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got engaged to his fiancee.

If it is a joint return, we are instructed to print the given names of both husband and wife. But since some of the names that husband and wife give each other are hardly suited to print, we must proceed cautiously.

I don’t drink water. Have you seen the way it rusts pipes?

I like children. If they’re properly cooked.

I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That’s the one thing I’m indebted to her for.

I’m free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it’s only a question of degree.

I only drink to steady my nerves, sometimes I’m so steady I don’t move for months.

There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.

You can’t trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.

I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.

I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted.

I don’t have to attend every argument I’m invited to.

I never met a kid I liked.

Anyone who hates children and animals can’t be all bad.

I don’t believe in failure. It is not failure if you enjoyed the process.

If you want to be inventive, you have to be willing to fail.

To be normal is the ultimate aim of the unsuccessful.

We’ve changed our internal motto from Move fast and break things to Move fast with stable infrastructure.

I believe we have a responsibility to do even more. It’s so important that we’re changing.

Laziness may appear attractive, but work gives satisfaction.

Organization is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it’s not all mixed up.

Be open to new information and ideas.