If it does not work the first time, try, try again. Then quit. No need to be an idiot.
W. C. FIELDSComedy is a serious business. A serious business with only one purpose -to make people laugh.
More W. C. Fields Quotes
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I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted.
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Now don’t say you can’t swear off drinking; it’s easy. I’ve done it a thousand times.
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I never eat before breakfast.
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I like children. If they’re properly cooked.
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Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we’ll be seeing six or seven.
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Everybody’s got to believe in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.
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I’m free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
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Comedy is merely tragedy happening to someone else.
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I only drink to steady my nerves, sometimes I’m so steady I don’t move for months.
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Prayers never bring anything, They may bring solace to the sap, the bigot, the ignorant, the aboriginal, and the lazy – but to the enlightened it is the same as asking Santa Claus to bring you something for Xmas.
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Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.
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When life hands you lemons, make whisky sours.
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It is well to remember that there are five reasons for drinking: the arrival of a friend, one’s present or future thirst, the excellence of the cognac, or any other reason.
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I’m looking for loopholes. (Said when caught reading the Bible.
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The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.
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You can’t cheat an honest man.
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I have been advised by the best medical authority, at my age, not to attempt to give up alcohol.
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I never drink water. I’m afraid it will become habit-forming.
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Never give a sucker an even break.
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The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath.
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Money will not buy happiness, but it will let you be unhappy in nice places.
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Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.
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There’s no such thing as a tough child – if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.
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Was I in here last night and did I spend a $20 bill? Oh, thank goodness… I thought I’d lost it.
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I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
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No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it’s only a question of degree.
W. C. FIELDS