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My main ambition as a gardener is to water my orange trees with gin, then all I have to do is squeeze the juice into a glass.

W. C. Fields

There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.
W. C. FIELDS

Face Man Time
Try till you succeed, if you don’t succeed once, then destroy all evidence of the fact that you tried!
W. C. FIELDS

Destroy Evidence Success Yourself
This job will drive me to drink, and for that reason, I will be eternally grateful.
W. C. FIELDS

Drive Grateful Myself Reason
I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That’s the one thing I’m indebted to her for.
W. C. FIELDS

Beautiful Herself Love Myself
Comedy is merely tragedy happening to someone else.
W. C. FIELDS

Deep Reality Tragedy
I didn’t squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn’t see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here.
W. C. FIELDS

Animal Food Myself See
When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty.
W. C. FIELDS

Death Hope Life Lost
Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she’ll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.
W. C. FIELDS

Expectation Herself Life Man Woman Yourself
The only thing a lawyer won’t question is the legitimacy of his mother.
W. C. FIELDS

Himself Mom
My illness is due to my doctor’s insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.
W. C. FIELDS

Doctor Force Myself
When life hands you lemons, make whisky sours.
W. C. FIELDS

Hands Life Yourself
The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.
W. C. FIELDS

Food Funny Man Myself
I’m free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
W. C. FIELDS

Equality Freedom Hate Myself
When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other.
W. C. FIELDS

Doctor Togetherness
I must have a drink of breakfast.
W. C. FIELDS

Food Morning Myself
It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.
W. C. FIELDS

Attitude Deep Yourself

My main ambition as a gardener is to water my orange trees with gin, then all I have to do is squeeze the juice into a glass.

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My main ambition as a gardener is to water my orange trees with gin, then all I have to do is squeeze the juice into a glass.

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