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I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted.

W. C. Fields

I have spent a lot of time searching through the Bible for loopholes.
W. C. FIELDS

Myself Religion Time
I don’t believe in dining on an empty stomach.
W. C. FIELDS

Believe Empty Food Myself Weird
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
W. C. FIELDS

Morning Smile Start
A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.
W. C. FIELDS

Worth Wrong
A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain.
W. C. FIELDS

Man Pain Woman
Children should neither be seen or heard from – ever again.
W. C. FIELDS

Children Hate See
Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B. C.
W. C. FIELDS

Appearance Help People Sex Ugly
I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.
W. C. FIELDS

Animal Hands Myself See
Somebody’s been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice!
W. C. FIELDS

Food Funny
The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath.
W. C. FIELDS

Animal Breathe
I didn’t squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn’t see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here.
W. C. FIELDS

Animal Food Myself See
If pigs had wings, they would be pigeons.
W. C. FIELDS

Animal Funny Wings
A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t even have the decency to thank her.
W. C. FIELDS

Herself Thankful Woman
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it’s only a question of degree.
W. C. FIELDS

Crazy Doubt Existence Woman
Never give a sucker an even break.
W. C. FIELDS

Break One Liner
Drat! Being the encapsulated view of life.
W. C. FIELDS

Life View

I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted.

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I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted.

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