“I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted.”

I don’t drink anymore, on the other hand I don’t drink any less either.

Try till you succeed, if you don’t succeed once, then destroy all evidence of the fact that you tried!

If I had to live my life over, I’d live over a saloon.

The only thing a lawyer won’t question is the legitimacy of his mother.

There’s no such thing as a tough child – if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.

Few things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got engaged to his fiancee.

If it is a joint return, we are instructed to print the given names of both husband and wife. But since some of the names that husband and wife give each other are hardly suited to print, we must proceed cautiously.

I don’t drink water. Have you seen the way it rusts pipes?

I like children. If they’re properly cooked.

I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That’s the one thing I’m indebted to her for.

I’m free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it’s only a question of degree.

I only drink to steady my nerves, sometimes I’m so steady I don’t move for months.

There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.

You can’t trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.

I like on the table, when we’re speaking, the light of a bottle of intelligent wine.

Beer may cause you to digress and lead a happier life.

Never delay kissing a pretty girl or opening a bottle of whiskey.

Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

There is truth in wine and children.

My lips got lost on the way to the kiss – that’s how drunk I was.

After I quit drinking, I realized I am the same asshole I always was; I just have fewer dents in my car.

A drunken man is happier than a sober one.