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I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted.

W. C. Fields

Don’t worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.
W. C. FIELDS

Heart Live Worry Yourself
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
W. C. FIELDS

Morning Smile Start
Sex isn’t necessary. You don’t die without it, but you can die having it.
W. C. FIELDS

Death Necessary Sex Yourself
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
W. C. FIELDS

Man Money Poor Rich
Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there’s nothing exactly like it.
W. C. FIELDS

Better Sex Worst
Was I in here last night and did I spend a $20 bill? Oh, thank goodness… I thought I’d lost it.
W. C. FIELDS

Goodness Lost Myself Night Thankful
I used to be indecisive, now I’m not so sure.
W. C. FIELDS

Improvement Myself
The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.
W. C. FIELDS

Alive Danger Man Place World
I never met a kid I liked.
W. C. FIELDS

Children Myself One Liner
It is well to remember that there are five reasons for drinking: the arrival of a friend, one’s present or future thirst, the excellence of the cognac, or any other reason.
W. C. FIELDS

Excellence Friendship Future Present Reason Remember
Philadelphia, wonderful town, spent a week there one night.
W. C. FIELDS

Night Time Wonderful
You can’t cheat an honest man.
W. C. FIELDS

Honesty Man Yourself
This job will drive me to drink, and for that reason, I will be eternally grateful.
W. C. FIELDS

Drive Grateful Myself Reason
It’s a funny old world. A man’s lucky if he gets out of it alive.
W. C. FIELDS

Alive Funny Old World
I have been advised by the best medical authority, at my age, not to attempt to give up alcohol.
W. C. FIELDS

Advice Age Alcohol Authority Give Up Myself
Somebody’s been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice!
W. C. FIELDS

Food Funny

I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted.

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I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted.

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