When people say “it’s always the last place you look”. Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you’ve found it?
BILLY CONNOLLYPaddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby. “Is this yours?” she asked “probably” said Paddy “she burns everything else”
More Billy Connolly Quotes
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The religion in Scotland is one of the most patronising things… after the weather.
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I loved Japan. I used to read a lot about it when I was a child. And I always wanted to go. And it was delightful. I absolutely loved it. What a smashing place.
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I think of my life as a series of moments and I’ve found that the great moments often don’t have too much to them.
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When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, “Has the bus come yet?”. If the bus came would I be standing here?
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A fart is just your arse applauding.
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I love Los Angeles. It reinvents itself every two days.
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Outgrew the media… The negativity felt like a disease.
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Learn to feel sorry for music because, although it is the international language, it has no swear words.
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Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.
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If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?
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A well-balanced person has a drink in each hand.
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I’m not going to throw away the hand of friendship to suit 100 Trotskyites in Glasgow.
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I think the longer Britain is in Europe the better.
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If you want to lose a bit of weight, don’t eat anything out of a bucket.
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People die all the time. It’s just that you’re not around.
BILLY CONNOLLY