So many beautiful things, I cannot possess them all!
BILL BAILEYI know that to be a true fact because I read it in Heat magazine
More Bill Bailey Quotes
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Tonight’s show is about doubt. Or maybe it isn’t – haven’t made my mind up yet.
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I suppose you could be a member of a terrorist organization in a non-violent way, in the laundry or the catering department.
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But our country’s equivalent of gritty reality is more like “Look out Sarge, he’s got a shooter!”
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Yes. Yes, when we live our life like 1950s detective films. I often go to my fridge, “Hullo, we’re out of milk. I say mother, where’s the milk?”
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People say ‘Bill, are you an optimist?’ And I say, ‘I hope so.’
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It’s the augmented fourth, or diminished fifth, depending on your outlook on life.
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Three blokes go into a pub. One of them is a little bit stupid, and the whole scene unfolds with a tedious inevitability.
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Relaxed Empiricism — I only believe something to be true if someone I know quite well tells me if happened.
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You remind me of the Siberian hunting spider, which adopts a highly convincing limp in three of its eight legs in order to attract its main prey.
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I feel sorry for James Blunt, he has to wake up every morning and think ‘Oh my God, I’m James Blunt, what have I done?’
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I never really thought comedy was a career option, just something I did for fun. Suddenly I realised I was getting paid which was a bonus. I studied for a diploma with the London College of Music, and teaching was something I thought I might do but comedy intervened.
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It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
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Thank God for Darwin, eh?
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Three blokes go into a pub. Something happens. The outcome was hilarious!
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A horse walks into a bar, and the barman says “Why the long face?”. The horse replies: “I’m deeply troubled by the anthropomorphic aspects of my existence and the extent to which I am now protected by law.”
BILL BAILEY