“Stupid National Anthem… Look at this flag; Two bears fighting over a pineapple. What kind of message does that send to the world? “Come to Belarus, where wild animals will steal your fruit.””

I never really thought comedy was a career option, just something I did for fun. Suddenly I realised I was getting paid which was a bonus. I studied for a diploma with the London College of Music, and teaching was something I thought I might do but comedy intervened.

My wife bought me a vintage Gibson guitar that isn’t just beautiful but has tremendous sentimental value. I have plenty of guitars for live gigs but this is one to treasure.

At college, I felt frustrated thinking three years was a long time and I just wanted a job but afterwards I was in employment the whole time.

Hitler was a vegetarian. Just goes to show, vegetarianism, not always a good thing. Can in some extreme cases lead to genocide.

Not to be confused with the Ukrainian hunting spider, which actually has got a limp and is, as such, completely harmless, and a little bit bitter about the whole thing.

Do not crush the flowers of wisdom with the hobnail boots of cynicism.

Three blokes go into a pub. Something happens. The outcome was hilarious!

I try to appreciate the simple things. I’ve just been camping with my son and I enjoyed that just as much if not more than a holiday in a posh hotel. I like making a cup of tea and bacon sarnie in the morning.

What I’d like to do now – well, what I’d like to do now is grow my beard very long, weave it into my pubes and strum it like a harp.

Thank God for Darwin, eh?

Nostalgia: How long’s that been around?

Marijuana? It’s harmless really, unless you fashion it into a club and beat somebody over the head with it

In Unity there is strength; We can move mountains when we’re united and enjoy life – Without unity we are victims. Stay united.

I am a confectionery-based existentialist.

This shed does not contain me.

It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.

Fighting the terrorists in Syria is not only in the interest of Syria or the Syrian people; in the interest of the Middle East, of Europe itself.

I think I’m getting better at being verbal. I used to have a lot of problems with it. I had my own little demons that I was fighting, and I used the banjo as an escape.

[It is important] to have stability and to have security, which means humanitarian equals fighting terrorists. You cannot talk about humanitarian aid and supporting the terrorists at the same time. You cannot, you have to choose.

As long as you fight, you cannot lose… if you leave everything out there, it doesn’t matter if you win or lose. To me you can never lose.

Why would Senator Allen want to oppose saving money for the state? Its simply another example of Republicans fighting the governor tooth and nail against any measure where she might be able to turn the states budget around.

Everybody knows it hurts to grow up…and we’re still fighting it.

It’s not about me, again, this fight is not my fight, it’s not the fight of the government ; it’s the fight of the country, of the Syrian people.

Life’s full of lots of dream-stealers always telling you you need to do something more sensible. I think it doesn’t matter what your dream is, just fight the dream-stealers and hold onto it.