“You know what a fan letter is – it’s just an inky raspberry.”

I have the perfect simplified tax form for government. Why don’t they just print our money with a return address on it?

People from the rock and roll world have felt for years that electronic music had no soul, but now electronic music can not only have soul but have all the shapes in the world.

Golf is my real profession. Entertainment is just a sideline. I tell jokes to pay my greens fees.

I was like, boy, I feel so good when I run, if everybody could feel like this, this sense of joy and physical well-being and strength and autonomy you have when you run, how much better the world would be, you know?

I’m from Los Angeles… I don’t trust any air I can’t see.

Jack Benny really liked my book. I know because he called me up from the library and told me.

Arnold Palmer is the biggest crowd pleaser since the invention of the portable sanitary facility.

Cypress Point is such a beautiful place, but it’s also very exclusive. They had a very successful membership drive last month. They drove out forty members.

The best thing about growing older is that it takes such a long time.

I’ll shoot my age if I have to live to be 105.

I just hope I don’t have to explain all the times I’ve used His name in vain when I get up there.

My secret for staying young is good food, plenty of rest, and a makeup man with a spray gun.

I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six.

I once showed Pat Bradley my swing and said, ‘What do I do next?’ Pat replied, ‘Wait till the pain dies down.’

I went to play golf and tried to shoot my age, but I shot my weight instead.

For the first time, you can actually see the losers turn green

So, I got a lot of recruitment letters from track.

Letters should be easy and natural.

The overall similarity is probably in the mentality of law enforcement officers. There’s a sense of wanting to really uphold a sense of morality and make sure that the laws are enforced to the letter, whenever possible.

Truth is not only a man’s ornament but his instrument; it is the great man’s glory, and the poor man’s stock: a man’s truth is his livelihood, his recommendation, his letters of credit.

The best thing Clinton could do — I think I wrote him a letter about this, but I’m not sure — is to shut up. Every time I turn that radio on, there’s Clinton, making a speech. And he makes speeches on a subject he doesn’t know anything about. He has no discipline.

I get over a hundred letters a day from all over the world, from children and parents, and it’s a wonder I ever have time to write books, let alone speak!

The art of letters will come to an end before A.D. 2000. I shall survive as a curiosity.

If I could stitch these wounds with letters every scar would bear your name.