What I’d like to do now – well, what I’d like to do now is grow my beard very long, weave it into my pubes and strum it like a harp.
BILL BAILEYNostalgia: How long’s that been around?
More Bill Bailey Quotes
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I’m a vegetarian, I’m not strict. I eat fish. And duck, but they’re nearly fish aren’t they.
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I think we’ve missed a trick there. We could develop wheat with the properties of Velcro… to catch whatever it is that’s forming those crop circles! But then the spaceship would have to have the corresponding Velcro, so it’s a bit of a long shot.
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People say ‘Bill, are you an optimist?’ And I say, ‘I hope so.’
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I tend to go through periods worrying, “Where am I going, I can’t see a way out of this,” and it becomes quite stressful. But sometimes you have to take a bet on yourself.
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A horse walks into a bar, and the barman says “Why the long face?”. The horse replies: “I’m deeply troubled by the anthropomorphic aspects of my existence and the extent to which I am now protected by law.”
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I am a confectionery-based existentialist.
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Come to Belarus, where wild animals will steal your fruit
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I know that to be a true fact because I read it in Heat magazine
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Contentment is knowing you’re right. Happiness is knowing someone else is wrong.
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You remind me of the Siberian hunting spider, which adopts a highly convincing limp in three of its eight legs in order to attract its main prey.
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Hitler was a vegetarian. Just goes to show, vegetarianism, not always a good thing. Can in some extreme cases lead to genocide.
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Nostalgia: How long’s that been around?
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Stupid National Anthem… Look at this flag; Two bears fighting over a pineapple. What kind of message does that send to the world? “Come to Belarus, where wild animals will steal your fruit.”
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Contentment is knowing you’re right
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There we go, that’s it. I just hold my hand in this position for the next couple of hours.
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I’m quite lucky, because I’ve got a small, decorative concrete pig.
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This shed does not contain me.
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Three blokes go into a pub. One of them is a little bit stupid, and the whole scene unfolds with a tedious inevitability.
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How many amoebas does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, no two! No four! …no eight!
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The so-called Samaritan squirrel, which takes pity on the spider, and then the spider jumps on it and injects the paralyzing venom, while the squirrel remains bafflingly philosophical about the whole thing.
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Welcome to the O2. A unique building in Dublin, in that it is actually finished.
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Do not crush the flowers of wisdom with the hobnail boots of cynicism.
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Without the beat in the background, Jazz basically sounds like an armadillo was let loose on the keyboard.
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Work hard, save and live within your means.
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Tonight’s show is about doubt. Or maybe it isn’t – haven’t made my mind up yet.
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I try to appreciate the simple things. I’ve just been camping with my son and I enjoyed that just as much if not more than a holiday in a posh hotel. I like making a cup of tea and bacon sarnie in the morning.
BILL BAILEY