The way we live in the West we live like kings. People moan about this and that in Britain but we have running water, electricity, security and a rule of law and so many people in the world don’t have these.
BILL BAILEYMarijuana? It’s harmless really, unless you fashion it into a club and beat somebody over the head with it
More Bill Bailey Quotes
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Work hard, save and live within your means.
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Why do people want to swim with dolphins? The equivalent would be an Indonesian fellow coming over here, going up to a farmer and saying ‘Can I get in with the cows? I just fancy scuffling about with them.’
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Tonight’s show is about doubt. Or maybe it isn’t – haven’t made my mind up yet.
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I would never condone the burning of a Dan Brown novel, much though I loathe and detest his work. Well, I say work, you know, words, randomly arranged to form millions of dollars… I’m not bitter at all.
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The BBC did a survey of the top 50 things to do before we die. Not while we’re still alive, before we die.
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Relaxed Empiricism — I only believe something to be true if someone I know quite well tells me if happened.
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A horse walks into a bar, and the barman says “Why the long face?”. The horse replies: “I’m deeply troubled by the anthropomorphic aspects of my existence and the extent to which I am now protected by law.”
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At college, I felt frustrated thinking three years was a long time and I just wanted a job but afterwards I was in employment the whole time.
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In Unity there is strength; We can move mountains when we’re united and enjoy life – Without unity we are victims. Stay united.
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I’m sort of like a post-modern vegetarian; I eat meat ironically.
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I never really thought comedy was a career option, just something I did for fun. Suddenly I realised I was getting paid which was a bonus. I studied for a diploma with the London College of Music, and teaching was something I thought I might do but comedy intervened.
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I’m English and as such I crave disappointment. That’s why I buy Kinder Surprise.
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Without the beat in the background, Jazz basically sounds like an armadillo was let loose on the keyboard.
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I am a confectionery-based existentialist.
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The so-called Samaritan squirrel, which takes pity on the spider, and then the spider jumps on it and injects the paralyzing venom, while the squirrel remains bafflingly philosophical about the whole thing.
BILL BAILEY