“Nobuddy ever listened t’ reason on a empty stomach.”

A loafer always has the correct time.

If at first you do succeed don’t take any more chances.

There isn’t much to be seen in a little town, but what you hear makes up for it.

Only one fellow in ten thousand understands the currency question, and we meet him every day.

We’d all like to vote for the best man but he’s never a candidate.

Nobody kicks on being interrupted if it’s by applause.

A friend that ain’t in need is a friend indeed.

I’m sorry to inform you that your 50 year warranty has expired on your back, knees, and memory.

Lots of fellows think a home is only good to borrow money on.

Now and then an innocent man is sent to the legislature.

Folks that blurt out just what they think wouldn’t be so bad if they thought.

No matter how much strong black coffee we drink, almost any after- dinner speech will counteract it.

As to those who hoard gold and silver and spend it not in God’s path, give them, then, the tidings of a painful agony.

Don’t a fellow feel good after he gets out of a store where he nearly bought something.

Nothing’s as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas.

Look out for the people who allow you to do all the talking.

No one has ever drowned in sweat.

I don’t think I’ll ever act again. I have so many wonderful memories, but those days are over.

I don’t think comedy will ever die.

I find it quite easy to play chords, and, you know, that was all I ever did. I never wanted to be a lead guitarist.

Adapt or perish, now as ever, is nature’s inexorable imperative.

I’ve always been hopeful about Scotland’s prospects. And I now believe more than ever that Scotland is within touching distance of achieving independence and equality.

I don’t think I ever really got interested in theater.

The purpose of life is to obey the hidden command which ensures harmony among all and creates an ever better world.