If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
PHYLLIS DILLERDo not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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self-pity is better than none.
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
PHYLLIS DILLER