I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
PHYLLIS DILLERI admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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All mothers are working mothers.
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
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The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
PHYLLIS DILLER