I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
PHYLLIS DILLERI admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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self-pity is better than none.
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
PHYLLIS DILLER






