We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
PHYLLIS DILLERI admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
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To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
PHYLLIS DILLER