Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
PHYLLIS DILLERI admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
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You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
PHYLLIS DILLER