Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
PHYLLIS DILLERI admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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All mothers are working mothers.
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
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… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
PHYLLIS DILLER