When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.
GEORGE BURNSThe secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.
More George Burns Quotes
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If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age.
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Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.
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Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.
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Don’t stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.
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You’ve got to be honest; if you can fake that, you’ve got it made.
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First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.
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I honestly think it is better to be a failure at something you love than to be a success at something you hate.
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I don’t believe in dying. It’s been done. I’m working on a new exit. Besides, I can’t die now – I’m booked.
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I can’t afford to die; I’d lose too much money.
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If it’s a good script I’ll do it. And if it’s a bad script, and they pay me enough, I’ll do it.
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Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that’s down can come up.
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I smoke ten to fifteen cigars a day. At my age I have to hold on to something.
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You can’t help getting older, but you don’t have to get old.
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I’m very pleased to be here. Let’s face it, at my age I’m very pleased to be anywhere.
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How can I die? I’m booked.
GEORGE BURNS






