“At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can’t.”

My cousin’s gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.

If it wasn’t for pick-pockets I’d have no sex life at all.

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.

I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.

My uncle’s dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

In the time of swords and periwigs and full-skirted coats with flowered lappets.

If you don’t live life by fully enjoying it and opening your heart, your just not living.

Anything was better than nothing. Half-full was better than empty. Ignorance was the lowest form of humiliation and suffering.

who desires all people to be saved and come to full knowledge of the truth.

Is your head up your ass so far that you can’t pull it out?

Temperance gives nature her full play, and enables her to exert herself in all her force and vigor.

There is hardly any contact more depressing to a young ardent creature than that of a mind in which years full of knowledge seem to have issued in a blank absence of interest or sympathy.

Got my Allman Brothers cassettes stacked up on the dash, got some Jack back in the trunk and a tank full of gas.