I’m taking Viagra and drinking prune juice – I don’t know if I’m coming or going.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDAt twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can’t.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
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I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
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My cousin’s gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
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I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
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On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
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My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.
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I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
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I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
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My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
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I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
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I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
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I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
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I met the surgeon general – he offered me a cigarette.
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My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
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With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD