I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDAt twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can’t.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
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My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
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My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
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The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
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I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
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I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
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I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
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My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.
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It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.
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When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
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My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
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With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.
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This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
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I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
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On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD