I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD
I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
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I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
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I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
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I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
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I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
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I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
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Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.
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My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
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Yeah, I know I’m ugly… I said to a bartender, ‘Make me a zombie.’ He said ‘God beat me to it.’
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What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD