My cousin’s gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDMy mother had morning sickness after I was born.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.
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I’m taking Viagra and drinking prune juice – I don’t know if I’m coming or going.
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My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
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I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
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My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
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I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
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I met the surgeon general – he offered me a cigarette.
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With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we’ll never see each other!
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When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
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I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
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I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
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Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
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My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
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What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
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I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD






