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My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

Rodney Dangerfield

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What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.
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I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
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This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
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I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
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Yeah, I know I’m ugly… I said to a bartender, ‘Make me a zombie.’ He said ‘God beat me to it.’
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I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
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My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.
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I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
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My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
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My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
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When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
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We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
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At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can’t.
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The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
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I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.
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One year they asked me to be poster boy – for birth control.
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