I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDMy mother had morning sickness after I was born.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
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This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
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I’m taking Viagra and drinking prune juice – I don’t know if I’m coming or going.
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A girl phoned me the other day and said… ‘Come on over, there’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.
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My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
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I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
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My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.
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My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
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What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.
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I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
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My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
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My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
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Life is just a bowl of pits.
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My cousin’s gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
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I met the surgeon general – he offered me a cigarette.
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With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.
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Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask.
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I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
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My uncle’s dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
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When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
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I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
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I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
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My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
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On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
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I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
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The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD