Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDI haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
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My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
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I met the surgeon general – he offered me a cigarette.
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I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
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I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
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My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
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I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
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Life is just a bowl of pits.
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On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
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When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
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When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
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This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
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I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
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My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
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My wife can’t cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.
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Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
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Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.
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I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
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I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
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We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
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My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
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My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
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With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.
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My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
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I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
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With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we’ll never see each other!
RODNEY DANGERFIELD