I liked cars and architecture, and things that cost money. I wanted to not swing a hammer, and make money… and not do stuff that was dirty.
ADAM CAROLLAWe never pick up a brush and stand in front of our own easel.
More Adam Carolla Quotes
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We’re all animals, that we all respond to the same stimuli. If you want to motivate somebody not to have premarital sex, or motivate black bears not to go diving into dumpsters, first you have to think about why they do it.
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Chicks love dudes who are successful who happen to have money – do you know what I mean? Chicks are attracted to dudes that are doing their own thing.
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The best gift you can give yourself is some drive–that thing inside of you that gets you out the door to the gym, job interviews, and dates.
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No one is depressed when they’re being chased by a bear.
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I didn’t have any success in show business until I was 30 to 31 years of age.
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When you do television, there’s more to do, and when you do new television, there’s a lot more to do, especially when you don’t have partner. I miss not having that person.
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Here’s what you know: you know when you’re getting laid, and you know when it’s all over. Those are the only two things you’re aware of.
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You shouldn’t be eating anything that takes six minutes to microwave.
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I had two thoughts about it. One was I could do that, and the next one was I’ll never get to do that.
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I give women two types of orgasms. Fake and none.
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I don’t think I’ve ever seen pie advertised. That’s how you know it’s good. They advertise ice cream and other desserts.
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Speaking of sleeping bags, has anything ever had a less creative name?
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I am not agnostic. I am atheist. I don’t think there is no God; I know there’s no God. I know there’s no God the same way I know many other laws in our universe.
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No, I had not read any other comedian’s book. Not that I don’t enjoy other comedians; I’m just not a reader.
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Maybe I’m delusional but I’m usually funny. It’s not 100% but I have a pretty good batting average.
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People who fail, excel at avoiding opportunity.
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If you’re a guy, you have absolutely no idea what’s going on at any time in the relationship, ever.
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When I fart my ass makes a trumpet sound that heralds the arrival of the smell.
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Screw guilt — I could have sex with 10 men and it wouldn’t bother me. I’m an atheist!
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Having sex without a condom is like riding a roller coaster with diarrhea. You can’t just throw your hands up and enjoy it.
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I feel like I’m a time traveler from the future who has been sent back to be annoyed.
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I’m a doofus from the Valley, a blue-collar guy.
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And the mirror ball doesn’t care what color you are, and it doesn’t care how rich your parents are, and it doesn’t care what God you pray to
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I have a daughter who I love very much, I hire women, I’ve worked with women, I’ve never had an issue with women.
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Junior colleges are high schools with ashtrays.
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Being a poor reader was enough to make me not want to do that type of formatted show
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