When I fart my ass makes a trumpet sound that heralds the arrival of the smell.
ADAM CAROLLAYou’re 28, why are you going to goth clubs? Do what I do, sit at home & wait to die. You don’t have to kill yourself, you’re just waiting.
More Adam Carolla Quotes
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I don’t have any ill will or ill thought towards anybody.
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A lot of people would say, to be truthful is to tell all, every dalliance, every crisis. They might be right on paper, but in practice, it’s not a great way to go.
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I’m not sexist, I’m just a realist.
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Well, the post office is probably not the place you want to go if you want to be infused with patriotism and a renewed sense of vigor.
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I have a daughter who I love very much, I hire women, I’ve worked with women, I’ve never had an issue with women.
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The Aston Martin is a beautiful car. It’s a work of art, I love the interior and the style of the car.
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I didn’t have any success in show business until I was 30 to 31 years of age.
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To make something, you have to work within your abilities. Honestly assess what you can do and even more important, what can’t you do.
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I used to be a Democrat, now I’m basically a Republican.
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I don’t have anything against my mom, but my family has no emotional connection to each other.
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You shouldn’t be eating anything that takes six minutes to microwave.
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I’ve never not finished a masturbatory session or a pizza. Those are the two things I’ve never left behind.
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As I said in my last book, birds are mean. They’re the only pet that, when they escape, the owners are relieved. You can tell a species is evil by doing this simple math.
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[Giving welfare to poor people] is the equivalent of the government sending [fat people] a jumbo bag of Bugles in the mail twice a month.
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Here’s what you know: you know when you’re getting laid, and you know when it’s all over. Those are the only two things you’re aware of.
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I’m just gonna tell her, “Be a staff writer for a sitcom. Because they’ll have to hire you, they can’t really fire you, and you don’t have to produce that much. It’ll be awesome.”
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We’re all animals, that we all respond to the same stimuli. If you want to motivate somebody not to have premarital sex, or motivate black bears not to go diving into dumpsters, first you have to think about why they do it.
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Lets not focus on saving a nickel… lets focus on making a buck.
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I like my parents but they are just not good parents. They are nice enough people. I’m not interested in hurting their feelings.
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They advertise the bejeeezus out of yogurt, but I haven’t seen one pie commercial.
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I liked cars and architecture, and things that cost money. I wanted to not swing a hammer, and make money… and not do stuff that was dirty.
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When I’m in power, here’s how I’m gonna put the country back on its feet. I’m going to put sterilizing agents in the following products: Sunny Delight, Mountain Dew, and Thick-Crust Pizza. Only the ‘tardiest of the ‘tards like the thick crust.
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Being a poor reader was enough to make me not want to do that type of formatted show
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I am not agnostic. I am atheist. I don’t think there is no God; I know there’s no God. I know there’s no God the same way I know many other laws in our universe.
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No, I had not read any other comedian’s book. Not that I don’t enjoy other comedians; I’m just not a reader.
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I swear my car won’t run unless I’m picking my nose: At least, I’m that superstitious about it, so I don’t want to take any chances.
ADAM CAROLLA