You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers…damn anthropologists.
EMO PHILIPSYou know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers…damn anthropologists.
EMO PHILIPSI was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.
EMO PHILIPSI lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don’t know what he looks like.
EMO PHILIPSI used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they’re just as scared of me.
EMO PHILIPSMy first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother’s hip replacement. Because, you know… You break it, you buy it.
EMO PHILIPSI’m learning Cuban. It’s like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.
EMO PHILIPSI’d be in the backyard minding my own business. The other kids would call me names, like meatball head or neo-Calvinist. I’d run after them, but lucky for them the chain would snap my neck back.
EMO PHILIPSOnce I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.
EMO PHILIPSI’m filthy stinking rich – well, two out of three ain’t bad.
EMO PHILIPSNew York’s such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, “I’d like a card.” He says, “You have to prove you’re a citizen of New York.” So I stabbed him.
EMO PHILIPSWhen I was a kid, my favourite time of the year when I was child was that magical first snowfall. I’d yell Yippee! Snow! and run up to the front door and shout You know the deal… You have to let me in now.
EMO PHILIPSI was walking down the street the other day and these construction workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told me I was a paranoid lunatic… in morse code.
EMO PHILIPSYou know what I hate the most? People that imitate owls.
EMO PHILIPSProbably the toughest time in anyone’s life is when you have to murder a loved one because they’re the devil.
EMO PHILIPSLord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.
EMO PHILIPSMy classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.
EMO PHILIPS