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When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That’s what gave me the courage.

Emo Philips

My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn’t be home until a certain hour.
EMO PHILIPS

Home Myself Parents Rule Strict
I’m learning Cuban. It’s like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.
EMO PHILIPS

Item Language Learning Luxury Myself
Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: ‘A truck!’
EMO PHILIPS

Death Last Remember Word
My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.
EMO PHILIPS

Cheating Funny Herself Man Relationship See
My parents were very protective. I couldn’t even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets.
EMO PHILIPS

Excitement Myself Parents Protection Road Street
My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
EMO PHILIPS

Beat Boxing Computer Defeat Myself
One man’s pet-stained carpet is another man’s Twister game.
EMO PHILIPS

Carpet Game Man Oneself
I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they’re just as scared of me.
EMO PHILIPS

Confession Myself Scare
Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.
EMO PHILIPS

Drop Food Funny Myself Relationship Spoon
Not everybody hates me. Only the people who’ve met me.
EMO PHILIPS

Hate Meet Myself People
You know what I hate the most? People that imitate owls.
EMO PHILIPS

Hate Imitation People Yourself
I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don’t know I’m only using blanks.
EMO PHILIPS

Blank Children Love Myself School Watch
My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother’s hip replacement. Because, you know… You break it, you buy it.
EMO PHILIPS

Break Children Job Money Replacement Rise Yourself
I’d be in the backyard minding my own business. The other kids would call me names, like meatball head or neo-Calvinist. I’d run after them, but lucky for them the chain would snap my neck back.
EMO PHILIPS

Business Call Mindset Myself Name Neck
My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn’t have sex quite so often.
EMO PHILIPS

Mom Often Quite Sex Sister
I’m filthy stinking rich – well, two out of three ain’t bad.
EMO PHILIPS

Bad Myself Rich Wealth

When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That’s what gave me the courage.

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When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That’s what gave me the courage.

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Popular Authors

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