“Elephants and grandchildren never forget.”

The third rule of life is this: Everything you buy today is smaller, more expensive, and not as good as it was yesterday.

I’ve learned that no one is perfect until you fall in love with them.

Death is a distant rumor to the young.

I’ve learned… That sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart to understand.

I don’t know anything offhand that mystifies Americans more than the cotton they put in pill bottles. Why do they do it? Are you supposed to put the cotton back in once you’ve taken a pill out?

Being kind is more important than being right.

Guns do not make you a killer. I think killing makes you a killer. You can kill someone with a baseball bat or a car, but no one is trying to ban you from driving to the ball game.

Anyone who watches golf on television would enjoy watching the grass grow on the greens.

I’ve learned, That to ignore the facts does not change the facts.

One of the sweetest things in life: a letter from a friend.

Conservatives are more religious than liberals–although there is no evidence that they’re nicer people because of it.

I’ve learned that we should be glad God doesn’t give us everything we ask for.

Unfortunately, propaganda works.

If you get murdered because you go on a date with someone you met on the Internet, you probably deserved it.

No one ever writes a book in which he is the bad guy.

I don’t like food that’s too carefully arranged; it makes me think that the chef is spending too much time arranging and not enough time cooking. If I wanted a picture I’d buy a painting.

I’m a giraffe. I even walk like a giraffe with a long neck and legs. It’s a pretty dumb animal, mind you.

I also readily admit that there are animals, taken in the ordinary sense, that are incomparably larger than those we know of, and I have sometimes said in jest that there might be a system like ours which is the pocketwatch of some enormous giant.

If you have a clear idea of a soul, you will have a clear idea of a form; for it is of the same genus, though a different species.

Poetry is a religion without hope. The poet exhausts himself in its service, knowing that, in the long run, a masterpiece is nothing but the performance of a trained dog on very shaky ground.

The ass bears the load, but not the overload.

Those who’ll play with cats must expect to be scratched.

If the government can set aside some spot for a elk to be a elk without being bothered, or a buffalo to be a buffalo without being shot down, there ought to be some place where a Negro can be a Negro without being Jim Crowed.

Each portion of matter may be conceived of as a garden full of plants, and as a pond full of fishes. But each branch of the plant, each member of the animal, each drop of its humors, is also such a garden or such a pond.