I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don’t know I’m only using blanks.
EMO PHILIPSYou don’t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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I’ve been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I’m pleased to say I’ve won.
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I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.
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I used to get drunk every night until I puked. Finally I admitted, “I am a bulemic”.
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Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.
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When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn’t work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
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My parents were very protective. I couldn’t even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets.
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I think my ex-girlfriend has weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don’t know what she charges him.
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You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers…damn anthropologists.
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Once I posed nude for a magazine. I’ve never been back to THAT newstand.
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People come up to me… concerned… that I’ll reproduce.
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Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: ‘A truck!’
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When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn’t involve a magic spell.
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Now there’s a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?
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Don’t wear fur! Did you know, a single fur coat takes fifteen trees, just for the protest signs?
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Computers aren’t intelligent, they only think they are.
EMO PHILIPS