“Now people want Brian Williams to resign, but it could have a happy ending. Apparently what he said was such a blatant departure from the truth, today he got an offer from Fox News.”

Funny that all of Nixon’s crimes – anonymous campaign cash, wiretapping, undeclared wars – are all legal now. Discuss.

We have the Bill of Rights. What we need is a Bill of Responsibilities.

Is it [hunting] really a sport if you have all the equipment and your opponent doesn’t know a game is going on?

Death is nature’s way of killing you.

In an average moral universal society, good people will try to do the right thing, and psychotic people will do wicked things. But if you want to make good people do wicked things, you need them to be religious.

Our mistakes from the past are just that: mistakes. And they were necessary to make in order to become the wiser person we became.

You can always tell when Obama’s negotiations with the Republicans are winding down, because he’s missing his watch and his lunch money.

Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.

The First Amendment was specifically designed for citizens to insult politicians. Libel laws were written to protect law students speaking out on political issues from getting called whores by Oxycontin addicts.

The church has historically been very slow to embrace technology. Until very recently, their idea of a laptop was an altar boy.

Suicide is man’s way of telling God, ‘You can’t fire me – I quit.’

Things aren’t right. If a burglar breaks into your home and you shoot him, he can sue you. For what, restraint of trade?

Let’s face it; God has a big ego problem. Why do we always have to worship him?

Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them.

If you have a gun, you can rob a bank, but if you have a bank, you can rob everyone.

A new cologne is coming out. It’s for cowboys, and it’s made from cow’s manure. That way the women will be on you like flies!

I didn’t realize it, but the days came along one after another, and then two years were gone, and everything was gone, and I was gone.

I ended up getting a lion chain. I had to make my own mascot – I want to start my own dynasty eventually.

I will always have a little bit of the wild in me. Always remembering what a good heart tastes like. Like love, that never ends. Like you.

If you want to end darkness you cannot beat it with a baseball bat, you have to turn on a light.

I’ve found you at last like a diamond glowing high in the endless sky.

I can fall in love in a simple way, but I can dissect it in such an intense fashion when it ends.

When your memories exceed your dreams, the end is near.

High ends, high spending. We just trying to end life on a high note.