Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: ‘A truck!’
EMO PHILIPSMy parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn’t be home until a certain hour.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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I’d be in the backyard minding my own business. The other kids would call me names, like meatball head or neo-Calvinist. I’d run after them, but lucky for them the chain would snap my neck back.
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I was walking down the street the other day and these construction workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told me I was a paranoid lunatic… in morse code.
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How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
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The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence… sort of like the Post Office with tanks.
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Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.
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I caught my wife in bed with my best friend the other day. I was crushed. They could have waited till I’d got out.
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I don’t know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.
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My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
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My parents were very protective. I couldn’t even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets.
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My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.
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The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said If you’ll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you’ve been paying for things lately, that should more than make up the difference.
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My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother’s hip replacement. Because, you know… You break it, you buy it.
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Once I posed nude for a magazine. I’ve never been back to THAT newstand.
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I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.
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So I’m at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.
EMO PHILIPS