“My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn’t be home until a certain hour.”

I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.

I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.

You know what I hate the most? People that imitate owls.

I don’t know if I was put on this Earth for a purpose or not. But I’m fairly confident that I’ll be taken off of it for one.

Interviewers always used to ask me about my pageboy haircut, and it drove me nuts: it almost made me suspect that there was something strange about it. So I cut off my pageboy.

When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.

How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.

Don’t wear fur! Did you know, a single fur coat takes fifteen trees, just for the protest signs?

When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That’s what gave me the courage.

I tried body surfing once, but how often do you find a corpse?

You don’t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.

I caught my wife in bed with my best friend the other day. I was crushed. They could have waited till I’d got out.

When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.

My ex-girlfriend was very sexy. She reminded me of the Sphinx because she was very mysterious and eternal and solid…and her nose was shot off by French soldiers.

I’d be in the backyard minding my own business. The other kids would call me names, like meatball head or neo-Calvinist. I’d run after them, but lucky for them the chain would snap my neck back.

I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don’t know I’m only using blanks.

Home is where you go to when you’ve nowhere to go.

I suppose I could have stayed home and baked cookies and had teas.

Arguably, we are the most intellectual creatures that’s ever walked on planet Earth. So how come, then, that this so intellectual creature is destroying its only home?

But trailing clouds of glory do we come, From God, who is our home: Heaven lies about us in our infancy!

God who preceded all existence is a refuge.

If you really want to make a friend, go to someone’s house and eat with him… the people who give you their food give you their heart.

My home will never welcome me if I don’t welcome me.

Home is where the heart is, but my heart is with you and I’m not with it.