“The reason I love my dog so much is because when I come home, he’s the only one in the world who treats me like I’m the Beatles.”

I think capital punishment works great. Every killer you kill never kills again.

If it weren’t for acid, you might not have an IPod, and you definitely would not have some of the best music in your IPod.

I don’t understand why the police are infallible. They remind me a lot of the Catholic Church.

Anyone who tells you that they know, they just know what happens when you die, I promise you, you dont. How can I be so sure? Because I dont know and you do not possess mental powers that I do not.

Sex is too easy for women to get, and too hard for men. I mean, honestly, for a man to walk into someplace and have every woman ready to take him home, he’d have to rule the world. A woman would have to do her hair.

If you have a few hundred followers and you let some of them molest children, they call you a cult leader. If you have a billion, they call you Pope.

Only a Bush could answer a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ question two different ways and be wrong both times.

Who takes care of their people better? FEMA or Hezbollah?

The answer isn’t another pill. The answer is spinach.

When you get people who are out of office, suddenly their tongues loosen up and suddenly they say the things that you wish they’d said or did when they were in office.

The younger generation is supposed to rage against the machine, not for it. They’re supposed to question authority, not question those who question authority.

We don’t really have to make fun of religion – it makes fun of itself.

Little do women know what big ideas I have in my pants.

When opportunity knocks all some people can do is complain about the noise.

In the Republican party, crazy is a constituency.

The true axis of evil in America is the brilliance of our marketing combined with the stupidity of our people.