Be wary of listening to stories secondhand.
TIM ALLENAnytime you work with animals, you begin to see more humanity in them.
More Tim Allen Quotes
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I had a very easy time loving an audience. But when it’s one-on-one with somebody, all I wanted to do was run away, because maybe they’re going to want something from me I can’t give, or they’re going to hurt me.
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I’m actually more of a cat guy than a dog person because I travel so much. I love cats.
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A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.
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I’m sad for adults who want to be children. And children who want to be adults.
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I have irrational fears, and they all go back to losing my father as a kid. I’ve never gotten over it.
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In marriage, compromise nurtures the relationship.
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For years, I just did not like this idea of God, church.
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I think there’s a percentage that don’t realize, that don’t know that [standup] is how everything began. We planned it, we work hard, rehearsals to get this. It’s more of a it’s not just coming in there in a T-shirt and holding a microphone.
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I think women like Ferraris. A Ferrari is everybody’s car.
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But separate a man from his car – that’s inhuman.
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Men are pigs. Too bad we own everything.
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I’m a creative guy, artistically with graphics.
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Before Kady was born, I didn’t think having a kid would be such a big deal. My attitude was simple: Babies are nice, play with them, put them in the closet until the next time.
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To get a man’s attention, just stand in front of the TV and don’t move. He’ll talk to you. I promise.
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Men aren’t men until they can get to Sears by themselves.
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I know it sounds odd, but I want to make a Rolex-quality screwdriver.
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Kids learn by example. If I respect Mom, they’re going to respect Mom.
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Why go to a church to worship God? A church is man made. God never said, “And let there be aluminum siding.” Climbing a tree to talk to God sounds like a better idea since only God can make a tree. And if that tree’s on a golf course, all the better.
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Real men don’t use instructions, son. Besides, this is just the manufacturer’s opinion on how to put this together.
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Playing golf is like going to a strip joint. After 18 holes you are tired and most of your balls are missing.
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The big advantage to playing the Venetian in Las Vegas – where it’s a beautiful theater – is that unlike other places, even many other nice venues, I can do a set and lighting cues, I can put on a real show. I can dress up, wear a tux.
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While awaiting sentencing, I decided to give stand-up comedy a shot. The judge had suggested I get my act together, and I took him seriously.
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Dogs will eat till they die. Cats will leave food in the dish, incomprehensible to a dog.
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When you’re 6 or 7, your father becomes this wonderful presence in your life. I really responded to my father. And then, the very moment I realized that I loved him unconditionally, that life was going to be great just because he was in it, he was gone.
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I don’t understand why it has to be either – or – either socialism or democracy. Why can’t we combine things to get the best of each system?
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Comedy is the ultimate anarchist.
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